Love Hope Believe Faith

2 seconds home and a problem arose…

Stay calm…

Carry on…

Don’t torture yourself…

Relax…

You’re only one person…

You can’t save the world, no matter how much you try…

Place yourself in their footsteps…

Think like them…

Help how they need it…

They may not need words but they just need you….

I can do this.

I am beautiful. I am me.

What A Day

Today…

Today, I cracked. Not my normal crack where everything is crazy, I’m upset and I just want to disappear. No… I wish it was that simple.

I sat on the floor of our school, leaned against the wall, and almost cried… I was almost in tears all by myself. I had just sent one of my friends to go meet up with another friend. I told them both I would be at play practice after I went and did something. And I did have something I needed to do… Go find a nice spot to go and cry out a couple of my emotions, pull myself together, and go to play practice.

I didn’t move. I actually just sat down right at the last spot I saw them. I heard them walking up the steps… I almost got up and moved just so that they didn’t see the wreck I was in. But I figured they wouldn’t see me and I was safe… I was wrong. They came and saw me just sitting there, in almost tears, hoping not to be disturbed. They came up to me, and asked me why I was sitting on the floor. I tried to push them away… “I just want 5 minutes by myself.” I tried everything… It didn’t work. They sat down with me.

They sat there as I began crying… They told me these things about myself that I never believed… They wanted me to just walk with them… Just walk. I kept refusing. I just wanted to sit there for a long time… I was ok with just sitting there.

But that was not an option. They finally, with some joking around and convincing, pulling, tugging, everything… I got up. I stood up, and they told me to just walk with them. That’s all they wanted. We walked down a hall, down some stairs, and to the LGI in our school… I put my stuff down and asked where we were headed to… Their response was wherever. 

We walked a circle. They were trying to make a point that I didn’t want to accept… I kept denying it… 

Life is a circle. We have our hills, our challenges… But the point is… It doesn’t change. There are some things we cannot change. I could veer off the path, but at some point I was going to get right back on it. It might not have been today, but tomorrow… I would have been right back on that path. They made me keep walking that circle as they talked to me.

And I was stubborn… At one point I stopped. I didn’t want to continue… There steps ahead of me… I didn’t want to walk them. I wanted to sit down at the bottom of the steps and just stop… give up. That’s what I wanted more then anything. But one of them grabbed my hand, and pulled me up the steps… I continued on. I didn’t want to, but someone was there to help me… 

In all honesty, I don’t know how long I would have sat on the floor of my school before my friends came. At some point, I would have forced myself to hold back the tears, get myself up off the floor, and go to play practice… But I don’t know when that would have been.

As we were walking that circle, i stopped again. It wasn’t because I wanted to give up, I just wasn’t ready to stop walking…. I talked to one of my friends. The other left even though I didn’t want that. 

My one friend and I talked for about 10 to 15 minutes. He told me 2 things that really stuck in my mind:

1. “Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.” ~Albert Einstein
2. I can’t change everything. I have to just look at life in anther person’s point of view… see where they stand in this whole life, from birth until now. Try to understand why they feel pain… You can understand a lot from it.

Both of my friends are going through a lot right now. But they honestly stopped everything… came to my side, and helped me. I feel selfish… for a couple hours, I actually wasn’t stressing about other people, I was focused on getting myself better… I do feel selfish about it, but I think it was needed. I didn’t feel alone. I felt safe and loved.

They both stayed at play practice. Neither of them were needed there. Well, they weren’t needed for the play, but while I’m on stage acting, or wondering around… I could look out in the audience and see them looking back at me. I hope that one day they realize how important this day was for me. 

I am sitting here, ready to go to other things for the day, but knowing that without them… I don’t know how I’d feel right now. The point is not “what ifs” and “if onlys”. The point is the now and what I have now. I can’t look back and regret things. I can’t torture myself. I’m only one person. I can only do so much. I’m only human. I fight for those I love, I fight for myself. I fight for what I believe in. I fight for my strength. Sometimes, sure… it may disappear… but I will not let it bring me down. I’m back to fighting my battles… and battles of others.

To my two friends: I can not ever thank you enough for what you’ve done for me. If you can’t find me and you know I’m in that school… stand on that circle… I bet you’ll find me sooner or later because that circle means a lot to me. It taught me a lot, and helped me more then I can imagine. I love you both so much. Thank you.

I am beautiful. I am me.

When someone vents to you

and you’re left speechless. You want to be able to say something to make them feel better, but you can’t think of anything. All you can do is try to respond with something but then it seems like you don’t care. It sucks when someone is pouring their heart out to you, and you can’t do anything to fix it.

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